Babysitter Beware
by gandalf537
Summary: Thorin is put in charge of Fili and Kili for the night...but he has no idea what he is doing. Oneshot.
**So, as you can tell from my username I'm kinda a Hobbit fan...I have a ton of Hobbit fanfics but none of them are very good, so here's an Oakenshield oneshot about Thorin and Dwalin babysitting two mischievous young dwarves…**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Thorin, Dwalin, Fili, or Kili, etc. etc. etc..**

 **Here goes…**

"Don't forget, dinner is in the pantry, bedtime is at nine, and I'll be back tomorrow morning." Dis hurried around the room, making sure all of her things were packed.

"Go and have fun with your husband for the night," Thorin said, winking. "Everything will be fine here."

"Yes, yes," Dis said. "You be good, boys!"

"Of course, Amad," Fili, the older of the two lads, said. Kili, the younger, grinned mischievously.

"It'll be fine," Thorin said, giving his sister a kiss on the cheek. "We'll see you tomorrow." Dis nodded and rushed out the door, nearly forgetting her bags. Kili and Fili ran to the window and waved goodbye as she and their father rode off. The two boys turned to their uncle and grinned.

Twenty minutes later, Thorin was chasing Fili around the house with Kili clinging wildly to his back.

"Faster, horsey, faster!" the eight-year-old cried. Fili, the thirteen-year-old, raced back and forth as Thorin struggled to keep up.

"You boys are going to be the death of me," Thorin said, collapsing dramatically to the ground. Kili tumbled off of him, and then he and Fili jumped right back on. Thorin coughed as they hit a sore spot, a wound from an orc attack that hadn't healed right. Fili caught his uncle's discomfort, but Kili kept on going.

"Come on, Kee, let's go read a story," Fili said quietly to Kili. Kili grinned, not noticing the tension, and leaped up to take Fili's hand. Thorin nodded appreciatively at the older boy, glad he could talk some sense into his brother.

Not knowing what else to do, Thorin called up Dwalin as Fili and Kili sat on the couch in the living room, reading stories about Erebor. Of course, Thorin didn't mention what the problem was…

"Play dead," he whispered to his nephews. "We're going to scare Mister Dwalin." The two boys giggled and struck freakish poses on the ground.

"What is it?" Dwalin gasped a short time later, barging through the door. "Is it the boys?"

Thorin nodded, managing to keep a straight face. He led the way into the sitting room, where Kili and Fili were still playing dead, barely managing to contain fits of giggles. Dwalin gasped in mock horror, glaring at Thorin. Thorin roared with laughter, and the boys, taking this as their cue, jumped up with their arms extended.

"We are undead warriors!" Fili cried.

"And we're gonna eat you!" Kili added.

Dwalin pretended to be horrified and ran out of the room, and Fili and Kili fell into each other, laughing their heads of. Dwalin returned immediately and punched Thorin good-naturedly in the arm. Thorin pretended to be injured, only causing the two young dwarves to laugh more.

Thorin and Dwalin spent the rest of the night keeping the lads occupied. It really was a two man job; Thorin had no idea how Dis managed while his brother-in-law was always working. Dwalin decided that dinner needed some spicing up, and bought the boys each a chocolate muffin from the baker's to go with their bland cheese sandwiches. Then, Thorin and Dwalin attempted to give the boys a bath-Fili flatly refused and Kili quickly agreed. While Fili sat by disdainfully, Kili jumped into the tub-and promptly screamed.

"It's _cold_!" Kili howled. Fili glared even more and got up to leave the room. Dwalin and Thorin stared by helplessly while Kili screamed. Fili came back with a pot full of boiling water and flung it into the tub, splashing most of it onto Kili, which made the younger lad howl even more.

" _Hot!_ " Kili wailed, and Fili laughed. After Kili's wails subsided, the mixture of boiling and freezing water was the perfect temperature. Kili took turns splashing Thorin and Dwalin, and by the time they got Kili out of the tub it was nearly nine o'clock.

"Bedtime, boys," Thorin said gruffly.

"We still have twenty minutes," Fili politely informed his uncle.

"Yes, well, then, mint tea and stories," Thorin said, praying to Mahal that this was acceptable and the boys wouldn't be hyper all night. Not ten minutes into story time, both boys were snoring. Kili's tea was splattered all over the floor.

"Great," Dwalin grumbled. Thorin threw a child over each shoulder and left Dwalin to clean up the tea. Once Thorin was sure that neither boy was going to fall out of bed, he returned to the kitchen, where Dwalin was sitting at the square table with two tankards. A dirty rag was slung over his shoulder, sopping wet with tea.

"Thank you," Thorin said, grabbing his tankard and taking a seat.

"Gloin's finest," Dwalin said. They spent some time talking, about Erebor and the good days before Smaug invaded. Some two hours later, Dwalin left, and Thorin rubbed his eyes tiredly.

He heard movement down the hall and got up, one hand on the small dagger he always kept sheathed at his side.

"Uncle Thorin?"

Thorin whirled around, breathing heavily when he saw it was just Fili, emerging from the room he and his brother shared.

"What is it, Fili?' Thorin asked, sighing.

"Kili's gone," Fili said solemnly.

"Kili's-Kili's _what_?!" Thorin yelled, jerking awake.

"I can't find him!" Fili sobbed.

Thorin sighed. "Go and get Mister Dwalin," he told Fili. Since Dwalin lived across the street, it wouldn't be hard. Fili sprinted across the road in his green pajamas. Dwalin emerged a few moments later.

"Kili's gone?" Dwalin asked. Thorin nodded. Fili sobbed.

Suddenly, they heard a small hiccup coming from the kitchen. Thorin and Dwalin froze. Fili stopped sobbing.

"Kili?" Fili asked.

"Hi-hic!-Feewee!" Kili chattered. All three dwarves peered under the kitchen table. Kili sat under it, his dark hair matted, clutching Thorin's tankard of ale.

"Oh, no," Dwalin muttered.

"Dear God," Thorin said.

"What's wrong with him?" Fili gasped.

"I-hic!-like this stuff! Hic!" Kili said.

"Kili, we have to get you to bed," Thorin says, grabbing Kili's leg and dragging him out from under the table.

"No, no-hic!-no!" Kili cried. "Fee, help-hic!-me!"

Fili backed away nervously, clutching Dwalin's leg. The older dwarf lifted Fili up.

"Back to bed," Dwalin said. He helped Fili back into bed and entertained him with stories of the olden days until Thorin came back in with a sleeping Kili.

"He'll have a hangover in the morning," Thorin growled. "But my tankard was only a quarter full, so we should be good."

"Dis is going to kill you," Dwalin said as they closed the door on the two sleeping brothers. Thorin groaned.

"And that's why I'm leaving," Dwalin said, making a move to go out the door.

"Oh, no you don't," Thorin growled, catching Dwalin in the neck. "You must face her wrath as I do."

In the end, at the sight of Dis returning, both dwarves raced across the street and barred themselves in Thorin's house, right next to Dwalin's, because Thorin had more weapons.

Dis sighed and shaked her head, fearing the worst, and knowing she should not have left her brother in charge of her children.

 **Yeah, that's it, maybe I'll have another chapter but that's most likely it. Thanks for giving it a read!**


End file.
